I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
