No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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