Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
