I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
