you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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