they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
