I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This is classic penis vs brain.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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