im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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