the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
