Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
