dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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