If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
