8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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