Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
