No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
