I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
