I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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