I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I enjoy the company of your penis
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
