I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
