Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You made out with two different species that night
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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