I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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