i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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