is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
