i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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