thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
