a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
