There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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