The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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