what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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