so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
its liver damage thursday
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
