If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
