I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
