I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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