Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
