I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
