That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
