WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
