Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
