I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
