the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
