I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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