come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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