Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
