how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
