dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
