i already hear my dad disowning me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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