i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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