I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't deserve a penis
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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