I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
