be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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