So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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