I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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