Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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