The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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