I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
