He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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