did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
