she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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