In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
