so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
