we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
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Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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