I heard we made out
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize